Your distain for me is the final repudiation of my actions and character. You distain me. Unlike what I had so desperately wished for, you do not find me cute, funny, charming, nice, smart, attractive, or entertaining. You find me annoying.
You would never admit it for fear of sounding harsh, but I know deep down, you wish that I would just disappear and leave you alone.
I know you don’t want to be around me. I know that for you, the best part of our conversations together is when I say goodbye.
I dreamed all these dreams. Delusional pretenses of a friendship and love. I even bargained with God, asking him to change me. To make me a better man so that you would love me. If I never lost my temper with you, if I continued to show you every ounce of love I felt for you, if I tried and tried and tried and tried, you would give me a chance.
I tried today. I made an effort to try some more. And today, in that one instant, I became distainfully typical to you. An annoyance.
I bankrupted my heart and feelings of self-respect. I put myself through heartache and heart break all for the promise of your smile. And I am now a fool. A king of fools.
I wish I knew what made you tick.
Can I say something?
I’m not saying this because I’m tired of reading all these depressing posts, and definitely not because I pity you that you’re so hooked up on her. I’m glad you’re not just holding all these feelings inside, and I applaud you for liking someone so openly. I’m writing this because I care so much about you as your friend, and you do not deserve this.
She’s not worth all the pain that she’s causing you. It’s not so much so that I’m blaming it on this girl, because you can’t blame anyone for not reciprocating feelings.. But all this additional pain coming from your self-torment is not. worth. it. for a girl.
I know you’ve told me that she’s amazingly perfect in every way; and I agree, that is rare to find. But in all of this, there’s a flaw – this “perfect girl for you” doesn’t feel the same way. At least not right now. I know there’s so much to be said about actively fighting for someone you love, but I don’t think you’ve been any less passive.
Liking someone can make you confused, sure, but it definitely shouldn’t be making you so miserable like this. There are so much more things out there than this one person, and if you’re so caught up in trying to figure her out, you miss out on all the grand things life has to offer.
Give her space. Have patience. You never know the future. Learn to settle and get on life with the reality of how things are now. In the mean time, keep asking God to make you a better person (why should you only want to be a better person in front of this girl?).
By: Linda on November 11, 2008
at 7:51 pm