(As a caveat to you, the reader, this post isn’t going to be eloquent — I’m quite tired, so my sentence structure and grammar likely will be atrocious. This post will be neither deep nor philosophical. It will be trite, hackneyed, and just a tad melodramatic).

I think about Love a lot.

Romantic Love.

I often wonder if it’s everything I think it is. I’ve felt happy before, being with another person, but I wonder if there’s something more. I know a lot of people who are now married or engaged, and I kind of wonder if I’ll ever experience and feel something so deeply as to commit to something so permanent.

I’m not afraid of commitment or the idea of emotional permanence between two people — truthfully, I long for that kind of connection — but I often wonder if I’ll ever be that way with another person. Most of the time it feels like I’m pretty empty inside. I keep my emotions in-check and I only engage in superficial interactions with people. I don’t connect well, usually, and I don’t really feel the urge to connect with most people.

But when I find a girl for whom I feel things, I hunger for a deeper sense of connection. Hunger. That’s a stupid term. I wonder, maybe. I wonder if people are meant for each other. I wonder if I should be with anyone. And when I meet people who think like me, I wonder if they feel the same way I do.

Probably not, but I still wonder.

People who break up, shouldn’t get back together. It’s stupid. The issues of the past, the pain — it’s all still there. Nothing has changed. (And here’s where I get even stupider).

I recently started liking a girl. It’s been a long time, many years now, but I actually like someone again. The problem is she got back together with her ex. I’m not mad or even sad about it; I’m actually freakishly calm about it now; I just think she’s going to end up getting hurt. Unless she gets married to him, they’ll go out for another year (maybe less), and then they’ll break up again. She’ll feel happy in the short-term, but eventually she’s going to be sad being with him. I’m not wishing bad things on her — I sincerely hope she finds happiness — but I’m completely serious when I say it won’t work out. She’s only prolonging the inevitable; whatever the reason was that made them break up before, it will come up again. And again. And again. Until finally they end it — for good.

It makes me sad because I think I know why she doesn’t seek connection or something deeper with the people around her… the people here. She doesn’t see the point in doing so. She doesn’t want to become attached to any one of them. And it’s entirely possible that she’s afraid to get close to anyone for fear of the messy, emotional complications. I think if she never got back together with her ex, with as much as she and I have in common, we would have hit it off. And even more pretentious of me, I think she knows that too.

She tells me her boyfriend is the jealous type. He doesn’t want her hanging out with me. Obviously, I don’t like it, but I get it. If she were my girlfriend, I’d be scared of losing her too. The only difference is, he already let her go once before, and if I were in his shoes, I never would have made that mistake…

But I’m still a little annoyed because I know I would treat her better than he does. I’d love her everyday. I’d make sure she knew it. I’d show her I appreciate her. Love her. Care for her. Trust her.

I would never force her to be anyone other than herself. I would never force my ideas on her. I would be accepting and kind; loving and gentle; peaceful and contented. I would be everything, because with her, I’d have everything.

I get annoyed when people take their girlfriends or significant others for granted. In fact, I can’t stand it. Don’t do it. Understand that connection, true connection, happens very infrequently. Especially now that we’re older. It gets harder and harder to truly connect as time goes on. So when you find it, cherish it. Show your respect, your love and affection, and always try to better yourself. Because those moments are precious. Those people are rare. And once you’ve lost them, you’ll wonder… and regret.

I like the girl I like for that reason. I know I’m tired, and I’m not making a lot of sense right now, but I like her because I can see the future. So I’ll wait. I’ll be who she needs me to be. I won’t interfere. I won’t bother; I won’t complain. But I will be there for her. As pretentious as it sounds, I hope that one day she will want me to be there for her. To be the man of her future.