Okay, I give up. I admit defeat. I’ve failed. I’ll “kneel before Zod” and “kiss the rings.”

Jill is never going to like me. Not only that, I’m pretty sure she’s never going to hang out with me again, not even as a friend. I let her know I liked her awhile back, and wouldn’t you know it(?), she has begun ignoring me in full.

Oh… you’re pretending I don’t exist(?); no wonder I felt so different this morning, I’m no longer corporeal! How stupid of me.

I’m like Casper, the friendly ghost.

Ever since I told her I liked her, she’s been really uncomfortable around me (why? It’s not like I’m trying to dip my penis into your drinking water… I just want to hang out with you. I’m sorry; is that too much to ask? My bad).

Also, why are you so hesitant about watching a movie with me? (It’s not like I’m going to cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box, slip my penis inside, and wait for you to get hungry… I just want to watch a movie together, that’s it).

It’s kind of funny though. She once wrote this email to me saying that she wasn’t ignoring me and that I should have more confidence. I’m sorry, but not having enough confidence is not my problem. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Being overconfident in my ability to get her to like me is kind of what led to the situation I’m in now — which is a hop, skip, and a jump away from a restraining order.

I honestly thought that if I was as charming, funny, personable, and oh-so-sexy as I could be, I’d be able to convince her to perhaps, maybe, possibly, consider dating me.

I know; how foolish of me.

But on a serious note, I’d be really bummed if I never got to hang out with her again. As much as I was physically “Jones’ing for some Jillian” (can you say, ‘awkward‘), spending time with her was the coolest — she’s an intriguing person and talking with her was the shit. (The fact that she liked Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks, and thought Zack Braff was a plagiarizing jackass, definitely swayed my opinion of her — can you say ’soulmate’? — but her stories and thoughts were really interesting as well). I would miss talking with her the most.

I hope I’m wrong; I hope it doesn’t get to that point; I’d be inconsolably bummed.

Well, looking on the bright side, at least my misadventured foray into love gives you guys (and girls) an entertaining peek into my twisted, tormented psyche.

Paul Oakenfold – Ready Steady Go