Sometimes I get a little sad. (Haha, more like all the time). I start thinking about stupid things, and I can’t help feeling down about them. No… truthfully, sometimes I feel like I’m so full of love and joy, it’s painful — I feel like I have to get it out of my system, like I have to tell someone, show someone, do something before I forcibly forget or lose that feeling forever.

I think of how I used to be, and I get even sadder. The only benefit is that I’ve finally repaid my karmic debt. I always felt guilty. Guilty that I should be happy, guilty that I should do well, GUILTY, when I was such an asshole growing up.

I remember being angry and mean. I remember being racist. I remember thinking, I’m going to Hell for this, and then drowning under the weight of my tears and malice. I remember thinking, if there is a God, punish me — I don’t deserve to live the life I live, after doing what I’ve done to people. But most of all, I remember thinking, after all I’ve done, I don’t deserve to be happy.

My problem has always been trying to force myself into being something I’m not. My empathy would kill me. My conscience would gnaw at me.

But now I think I’m at peace. I think my debt is repaid.

I’ve dealt with racism, now directed at me. I’ve dealt with malice and hate. I’ve dealt with it and understood the other side, for I’ve been the other side. And now, I can be happy. Because I no longer feel hate. Nor the need for retaliation. I am at peace. I am what I am — happy and not guilty, because now, now, I deserve to be.

Before, I was motivated by selfish reasons. I liked Jill because of how I felt around her. I liked how I felt when I was with her. She gave me something to dream about, something to want — emotion, connection, intimacy with another person — I don’t know. But I was selfish. I thought that since I was in the midst of so much sadness, if I could just be with her, know her, love her, then maybe I could get past the pain, the racism, the sexism, the hate-mongering and jingoism… that maybe I could forget all the bad… just as long as I could be with her. As if everything wrong in the world would fade away like a bad dream, and all the good would refocus… all because of her.

She hugged me once. One time. And I felt like I was dissolving into molecules. I felt like the whole world was gone. No earth, no air, no pain. I was melting, evaporating. I was wearing a jacket and she hugged me… and somehow, through the fabric of my jacket, I could feel how soft her skin was. I could feel her. And I melted.

A guy once said that sometimes it feels like there is so much beauty in the world, he feels like he’s going to explode… I feel love is the same way. Wanting to be wanted, wanting to feel connection, wanting to want to be everything to somebody else… it’s life as we know it. Life as I know it.